Instead of telling you about Paris, I'll hijack my own space for some reflection on Identity. Mostly mine. But there will be an opportunity for audience participation.
If you're in the mood to gaze at some navel (and for two German compound nouns in one post--what a deal!), on y va.
The reader must be aware: I love my birthday; when I was growing up, my mother made birthdays a Big Deal, just as her mother had. I also had the excellent luck to be born on a national holiday, so I never had school on my birthday until late in high school. As a consequence, there's a very large, very childish part of me that feels entitled to absolute luxury and lack of responsibility. And, of course, attention.
But once I started reaching those late high school years, my id began to battle a new challenger: my superego. Birthdays became deeply ambivalent.
It's not that I'm afraid of inching closer to the curtain. I'm still too young for that; I'll think about it after intermission. It's that I'm afraid I haven't gotten enough done yet.
I suppose everyone goes through this; I am far from thinking myself special. But it does make it hit a bit harder when one of the most important parts of my identity--since I can remember--is being a Wunderkind.
Somewhere in the year I went to school on my birthday for the first time, my mother asked me, in the midst of an age-related conversation, "What are you going to do when you're not the youngest one everywhere anymore? Who will you be then?"
I couldn't answer her. I still can't. And now that, for the first time in my life, most of my local friends are younger than me, I've hit a deep tailspin. As deep as being helpless in language.
I absolutely refuse to admit that twenty-four means mid-twenties. (Here's some silence for you to fill.)
But in the way of such things, the universe provided a compass. As a getting-to-know-you activity, one professor handed us a Proust Questionnaire.
The last time I took the questionnaire, I took it in English, of course. I was twenty: to be precise, I was a few weeks away from turning twenty-one. I decided to take it this time without looking at my previous responses. I answered, obviously, in French this time, giving me another buffer of distance from my younger self. It also forced me, because of my limited vocabulary, to be succinct.
So: how much have I changed?
In some ways, I seem either to have changed dramatically, or simply to have learned myself better:
Your most marked characteristic?
Age 20: Physically: an otherworldly paleness. Psychologically: a proclivity toward obsession.
Age 23: Wanderlust.
The quality you most like in a man?
Age 20: Free, courageous, fluid gender expression—particularly rare in straight men.
Age 23: Humility.
What is your principle defect?
Age 20: My sensitivity. Age 23: My fear that someone won't think me intelligent.
What is your favorite color?
Age 20: Not-quite-colors: the type that glint in opals and oil on water. Age 23: Peacock blue.
What event in military history do you most admire?
Age 20: The conquests of Napoleon. Age 23: Diplomacy.
What is it you most dislike?
Age 20: Sloppy language.
Age 23: My own faults, in others.
But in other ways, not much:
What is your favorite occupation?
Age 20: Creating or beholding beauty.Age 23: Writing, finding beauty.
What is your dream of happiness?
Age 20: This is happiness. I dream only of sustaining it.
Age 23: To live forever as I live now.
In what country would you like to live?
Age 20: The impossibly ecstatic France that Proust described.Age 23: This: the one I've chosen. Next, perhaps Italy.
What is your favorite bird?
Age 20: The hummingbird.Age 23: The hummingbird.
Who are your favorite prose writers?
Age 20: Proust, Woolf, and Wilde.Age 23: Proust, Woolf, Wilde, Winterson, Shaffer.
Who are your heroes in real life?
Age 20: My parents and several of my teachers.Age 23: Several teachers, my parents, and my aunt.
What reform do you most admire?
Age 20: Feminism.
Age 23: Feminism.
What natural gift would you most like to possess?
Age 20: The ability to read people and give them what they want.Age 23: The ability to see people's desires and fulfill them.
I will leave it to you to draw conclusions.
So: how about you? If you like, pick four or five questions (from here or the full list) and answer them in the comments. I'm always interested in knowing more about you. Mais attention: rumor is that this questionnaire tells you who you really are.
Gosh, that first questionnaire seems so long ago, but I still get confused and think that my age is 22, not almost-25. (Then again, I sometimes get confused and think I'm already 25, not still-24. Time seems to mean less these days...)
ReplyDeleteI find the changes you listed interesting. Most of them point to being more bold and outwardly-focused; wanderlust instead of obsession, and peacock blue instead of shimmery ephemeral things. But Napoleon vs. Diplomacy looks like a reversal of that. (Though I imagine not as much as it seems: an inwardly-focused quiet type might admire conquerers, while a bolder type might admire the strength it takes to reach an accord.) In any case, it seems like you are both bolder and mellower these days. I think it's a change for the better. :)
Hmmm... I will think about this questionnaire when I have more quiet time to think and get back to you on it.
I think you must do this every three years, or maybe continue by 3s, or some clever mathematical way, because it is such a fascinating device for self-study!
ReplyDeleteLoved this post :)
Kat, I love the way you take the things in my life that seem to make no sense and make such a beautiful narrative out of it. And if you don't answer some questions after that tease, I will cry.
ReplyDeleteKatie, actually, I do... I took it at 17-almost-18, after I'd finished Proust the first time. Tragically, though I was a pretty obsessive archiver of my own early crap, those answers are lost forever. I hope you're using it as self-study too. :-)